I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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