Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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