i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
