Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
