it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
