No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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