walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
