So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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