i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
