Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
