I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
