I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
