If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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