in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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