he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
