dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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