the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
