i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
