If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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