She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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