its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
