I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
