She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
