By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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