Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
