have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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