Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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