good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
