The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
