My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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