I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
