i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
