From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
