Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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