yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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