your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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