Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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