forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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