i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
