I can text with my tongue
i love accidental penises.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
