another moral hangover. fuck.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
