hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
