I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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