I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I licked your asshole in confidence.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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