How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
