Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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