I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
