i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have feelings that need drinking.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
