just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
