The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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