I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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